


What's Your Name, Man?

by jeanneMULTISTAN (xiu21chen99)



Series: #hisoilluweek [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Grocery Shopping, Hisoka is a Good Husband, Illumi is a Good Bro, Introspection, M/M, Marriage Rows, Married Couple, Married Life, Slice of Life, Third Person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:54:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25873948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiu21chen99/pseuds/jeanneMULTISTAN
Summary: One question, two conflicting answers and a three- possibly four- minute long conversation was enough to resolve the recurring argument and bane of Hisoka and Illumi's five year long matrimonial union. The only difference this time 'round? Illumi finally realized how little a name should mean when it came to family.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Series: #hisoilluweek [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880599
Comments: 13
Kudos: 229





	What's Your Name, Man?

**Author's Note:**

> i have a theme in mind for the titles of my submissions for [#hisoilluweek](https://illumiszoldycks.tumblr.com/post/622555557970280448/announcements-im-assuming-august-works-for) so try to guess!! happy reading!!
> 
> prompt for day 1: married life

Illumi stood by the door, taking his coat from the rack near it- snow has been setting down lately and Yorkshin was all the winter but none the wonderland. “We’re out of milk, Illu!” Hisoka yelled from down the hallway. Illumi’s hand halted midway through his coat sleeve, struck by the request, “were you not coming with me?” he asked, voice a tad bit softer but he knew his husband heard, Hisoka could hear everything.

There was a groan, and from Illumi’s place he could see the side of their sofa and Hisoka’s shirtless hunched-over figure sinking further into the cushion. Illumi walked back in, zipping up his coat and aligning his beanie, and when he reached the living room Hisoka was already standing and pouting. “You’re really gonna make me dress up?”

“You do not need to put a ‘full face’ on,” he reassured, walking up to his moody husband to cup his cheeks. This almost always did the trick, and if not- “but I _want_ to,” Illumi gave him a peck square on the tip of his nose, and Hisoka melted, a gooey smile curving his lips. “ _Fine_ , I’ll get dressed.”

Pleased, Illumi nodded and let go, taking a seat on the nearby armchair and fishing for his phone from his coat pockets, “you have five minutes.”

“I’ll take ten, then,” Hisoka said in a sing song voice.

The husbands were sat in their car twenty minutes later, and against all odds it was actually _not_ Hisoka’s fault. He snickered in the passenger’s seat as Illumi keyed in to ignition, “love-” Hisoka called out, but Illumi doesn’t spare a glance his way, “ _love_ , stop moping- it’s not _my_ fault you couldn’t find the keys!”

“Shut up.”

“Alright, alright,” the sound of his seat belt clicked loudly over Illumi’s silence, then soon the engine hummed to life in mechanic vibrations. Hisoka turned the radio on and its volume up to 80, filling the car with upbeat tunes to splurge some color to their morning.

Yorkshin looked terribly blank as they passed by, the city and its citizens in subdued hues that Hisoka itched to paint vibrant, “what else do we need?” he turned to ask his driving husband; the car came to a sudden stop at a red light, Hisoka nearly bumped his head on the dashboard. “We need to restock on food and bathroom essentials.”

Someone groaned, “anything more specific? Do you have a list?”

The light blinked green, “we will know when we get there.” And the car started again.

“See, I _told_ you we needed a list.” Hisoka whined, pushing their empty trolley around the toiletries aisle for a third time. Illumi had a finger tapping on his chin in thought, his steps mindless and his pace quick; he’s been scanning the shelves for a full ten minutes now but he hasn’t picked up a single thing, and Hisoka was getting bored.

It’s not like they were on a tight budget, if anything they had the exact opposite. Hisoka recently won Battle Olympia due to his husband’s insistence and their joint account has been brimming since, as if it already wasn’t. Illumi’s earnings from Zoldyck assignments contributed too, his percentage of the commission was high enough to beat most job incomes.

“We do not-”

“ _Illu_ , sweet lovely Illu, just take what we need. Take what you _want_ , I don’t care just-”

Something heavy thunked in the trolley, and when Hisoka glanced down he saw his husband move in his periphery. A lone box of conditioner sat there, wobbling still from the force of impact- Illumi was gone when he raised his gaze.

_How cute_ , even after five years he was still shy about liking women’s brand of hair products- did he even _know_ Hisoka, who brandished make-up and feminine fashion almost daily? “Illu, I’ve already seen you use this. What’s the point in being shy now?”

“I am not shy!”

“Right, and I’m legally sane,” he pushed forward, grabbing a few more bottles of the same brand and his own personal favorites into the trolley. He rounded off to the next aisle where he pinpointed his husband to be, and laughed when he saw his husband awkwardly stand there with the rows of women’s hygiene products.

“Come on, love, I saw what you had under those jeans last n-” a packet of tampons were sent his way at high speed, nen-infused as well. It hit the wall with a plop, a few inches off the side of his head, “nice shot. Come on, to the canned goods aisle.”

Illumi was mumbling as he caught up with Hisoka, something like a one sided argument about _not_ being shy, and in response he chuckled fondly. They passed by familiar faces and unknown ones, down a hall of shelves they’ve routinely gone through for the past years of their marriage. Illumi shopped bi-monthly, and more often than not Hisoka accompanied him.

It felt horribly domestic, now that Hisoka thought about it.

“Which brand of meatloaf do you prefer?”

Hisoka abandoned the trolley in favor of holding up two cubic cans, navy blue versus grass green. Illumi stopped said trolley from wheeling away by the handle, gave the former handler a raised eyebrow as he pulled it back, “I like that one better,” he pointed to the rows of red behind Hisoka.

“Wise choice,” he carried in an armful, and Hisoka’s arms could carry a lot- enough to solely survive on it for a full week if they were to spontaneously decide on it. Next were whatever other easy-cook canned food Hisoka wanted to try out. He reached for a few yellow cans from the top shelf, and some white ones near the end of the aisle- Illumi didn’t bother checking, he would know what they were at the payment counter, anyways.

Cooking oil, “I like olive oil better.”

“Yes, I know,” Hisoka answered, reaching for the largest bottle in sight, “I think it’s from your posh palette.”

Illumi strolled to the other end where more cooking condiments awaited, “I like it because you cook delicious food with it.” He doesn’t turn back, doesn’t need to, to know his husband was smiling at him. He grabbed bottles of soy sauce and vinegar in twos, Hisoka liked experimenting in the kitchen, then ketchup and mayonnaise because neither of them liked mustard all that much.

Hisoka placed in the olive oil gently, because it’s made of glass and he didn’t want to see anything cracked in the kitchen cabinets. “Separate the food items from the bathroom ones- _Illu!_ ” Said person released the trolley bread from the promotion rack- it’s buy two, take one! Who was Illumi not to take that deal?

“Yes, yes,” he came back to the trolley before Hisoka could, because he knew his husband was bored- Hisoka and wheels were terribly incompatible, Illumi knew because they’ve nearly been banned from coming back before, because of that combination.

He did as he was told, pushing their hair products to the edge and the cans and bottles to the wider corner. Hisoka walked off and came back with jams and peanut butter just as he finished, “to go with the bread, of course.” Illumi wasn’t much of a fan of either, they were too sweet for him. “Cheese?” he said more than asked.

“When we get to the dairy section, for now though,” Hisoka clapped, “snacks.”

“Should we not get-”

“The snack aisle’s closer,” Hisoka reasoned, already walking towards said aisle with a skip in his step.

_Illumi married a child_. Begrudgingly, he also admitted to himself that he actually loved the childish man. How cruel, fate truly was.

“Should we buy some of Killua’s favorite chocolates?” he asked as Illumi wheeled their trolley to the first of three aisles of snacks, because apparently one wasn’t enough, “didn’t you say he and Gon were gonna drop by for Christmas?”

“Yes and yes- along with Allu as well, so make sure you get extra.”

“How soft of their Illu-nii.”

“Kallu might drop by as well- ever since the Spiders disbanded he has been staying in the estate, and he told me he was itching for an excuse to leave.”

Hisoka pulled the trolley near a shelf, and scooped nearly a whole line of chocorobo-kuns into it, “I do hope he won’t be bringing your _other_ brother from the estate,” he said, giving Illumi an apologetic smile, “he and I never really get along, y’know?”

“Milluki?” Illumi asked curiously, taking a few bags of marshmallows beside him- maybe Killua could burn these and they could make s’mores, Alluka would love that, “funnily enough, I initially thought you two would best get along- can you get that packet of crackers behind you?”

“S’mores?”

“Yes.”

Hisoka threw two over, “why’d you think piggy and I would get along?” Illumi caught them with ease, though a few did crunch from his grip- _oops_ , “I cannot say but looking back, I am sort of relieved you do not.”

They turned to the cookies aisle, and the husbands split to the opposite shelves as Hisoka studied said cookie brands vigorously, Illumi on the other searching for Kalluto’s favorite brand of chocolate bars.

“Why? What kind of rag-tag team would your brother and I make?”

_Found it,_ “a disastrous one, I think.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Maybe we should get crisps, just in case,” Illumi swerved to the last aisle, Hisoka’s rushed steps catching up to him, he unloaded the few selected boxes in to their trolley; four of differing brands- _four_.

“Hisoka-”

“It’s for the kids,” he said in a sing-song tone, turning a corner before Illumi could throw another haphazard product at him. “I hate this,” Hisoka already had another armful when Illumi turned, but he was frowning. Salty snacks were uncommon in their apartment, Hisoka had a sweet tooth and Illumi preferred a healthier alternative over them.

Crisps were a big no-no to the couple’s taste buds.

As Hisoka dumped the bags with a distasteful grimace, a small child approached them. “Why are you buying so many?” he asked, suckling at the nail of his thumb. Illumi tipped his head to the side, giving the boy a curious look. People tended to avoid the gay couple in public places, for some unknown reason. Or maybe it was because Hisoka was known as the latest victor of Battle Olympia.

Either way, no one tried to talk to them.

“We’re stuffing a pig,” Hisoka snickered, squating down a bit with his hands braced on his knees, “why’d you ask?”

“Those are my favorites!” he pointed at something at the now growing mountain in their trolley, “I hope you like them!”

“These are junk foods are not for us,” Illumi said, “these are mostly for my younger brothers and sister.”

“Oh! So you’re a nice nii-chan!” he now turned to Illumi with a toothy smile, holding up the stuffed bear he’s kept tucked in his arm, “my nii-chan gave me this! You should give one to yours too!”

“Zushi! There you are,” a man with round glasses ran to them, looking relieved. Well, before he saw who Zushi was talking to. After that, he looked quite frightened. Illumi was confident he recognized Hisoka, he had a feeling he has seen the man in the tower before.

Hisoka snapped his fingers, “we’ve met before, right?”

The man carried Zushi in his arms, but the boy wiggled until he was allowed to face them. “That’s right,” he answered, readjusting his arms, “I’ve fought you in Heaven’s Arena before, my mentor was Biscuit Krueger.”

“Ah yes, I remember- good ol’ Bisky.”

“Nii-chan, you know them?”

“That’s besides the point, what were you thinking, running off like that?” the man reprimanded, his voice grown strict, “I left our trolley by the counter, come on- say your goodbye.”

Zushi smiled bashfully, “what’s your name, nii-san?” he asked, pointing at Illumi with his bear.

“Illumi Zol-”

“ _Morow_.”

“Hisoka,” Illumi turned to his husband, eyebrows scrunched, “ _no_.”

“I think we should go,” footsteps squeak on the polished floors, and in his periphery he saw the two brothers, one rushed and one confused, run down the hall of snacks.

“How many times have we discussed this already?” Illumi led them to the vegetables’ open aisle where all the bundles were already predetermined and packed, he picked up the basics; garlic, onions and tomatoes but aside from those, he was useless. Thankfully Hisoka was still behind him, already checking the other line, the one where the herbs and leafy greens rested.

“If I remember correctly, we only talk about this issue for three to four times per year, and we’ve been married for _five_ ,” Hisoka placed the greens in, “guess that’s what I get for marrying an evasive assassin too loyal to his family name.”

“Now, what is _that_ supposed to mean?” Illumi came to a full stop, cold fingers gripping tightly into the trolley handle, sharp fingers nearly tearing the sticker on it. _This_ was why they did not talk about this, they were both too stingy and too stubborn yet extremely _vulnerable_ all at the same time. “Hisoka.”

“Have you ever thought how lonely it was to be in a family of ghosts?” Hisoka stopped by the fruits section, an open cooler on the wall with extensive shelves. He had his back turned to Illumi as he examined a pack of six red apples, “this is why I still push for it, love.”

“Did we not marry because you wanted me to kill you?”

“And look where it got us, I grew to _love_ waking up to your bird’s nest hair in the mornings, _love_ having you as my only companion on the table over any and every sort of meal- I grew to love calling you _mine_ ,” Hisoka sighed as he faced his melancholic husband, though his expression did little to show it, Hisoka knew that look already, “you know I initially married you out of spite, right?”

Illumi’s one hand fidgeted with his hair, tried to fix his already perfectly placed beanie on top of his head, “to vex my parents, yes. And everyone else who knew that you and I would have been a catastrophic pairing.”

Hisoka chuckled sadly, “the world wasn’t ready, it still isn’t,” fruits checked, he approached to his husband’s thin form, leaning his chin on Illumi’s shoulder, “I might’ve married you for them but I certainly am not divorcing you because of _you_.”

“Does that mean you meant to?” Illumi attempted to joke, but the following sigh from his lips sounded too heavy, “I cannot stand the thought of not being a Zoldyck, Hisoka. You know how much I value being one.”

Hisoka hugged him by the waist, his hands steady on the trolley handle, “it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to stop being one. Look, your siblings are gonna come to our apartment for Christmas, _to us_ , love. They rather be with us than your parents, does that not speak in a loud enough volume?”

“Mother and Father love us,” he said by instinct, to defend the ones who raised him, “just... differently.”

“Come _on_ , Illu, even my own mother treated me better than they did you,” Hisoka buried his face into the concave of Illumi’s neck, “and we were from Meteor City. Can’t you see how much damage they’ve inflicted on you?”

“Damage makes for a stronger foundation-”

“Unless it collapses, love. You were shaky long before you made up that Gittarackur facade, I’m just happy I got to you in time.”

“Hisoka, _why_ persist on this?” Illumi turned slightly, to the mop of red hair then down, to clasp his hands over his husband’s, “Hisoka?”

He sighed again, his breath caressed Illumi’s neck with a heightened cold bite, “because I’ve already long associated your choice of name to your... ultimatum, should the time come you need to choose.”

“Love, that- that is not fair _,_ ” Illumi gave Hisoka a mildly panicked look, this was the notion’s first appearance in this particular argument, and it crushed Illumi’s heart to hear of this from his usually stubborn husband.

“I know it is, love,” Hisoka angled his head to connect their eyes, “but how’d you think I feel, knowing I’m bound to the husband I love with a death contract?”

“Hisoka-”

“Sometimes I wonder, am I truly all that different from the other assignments you’ve dealt with-”

“ _I love you_ ,” Illumi turned in the tight embrace of his arms to face him, “okay? I am sorry, _deeply_ if I made you think less. You are yet to divorce me from our contract because you love me, right? It takes two to not divorce, Hisoka. I am here because I want to be, believe it or not- I stay with you because I want to.”

Hisoka leaned in, catching his lover’s lips with his own. Illumi melted just like he always did for his husband’s fiery passion; that’s how they always worked, ice and head creating the smoke screen of their image. They might have been cold blooded killers, but even _they_ needed a safe space of their own.

They parted, and Hisoka giggled slightly, “I’ve never felt this high from your words before, don’t we usually end this in a more... bloody note?”

“Way to ruin the mood, dear husband,” Illumi’s phone rang just then, further breaking down the built up clouds in the air, “yes, hello?” he answered.

Hisoka released him just then, gesturing for Illumi to wait there as he ran off to the meat section, to the reds and whites in the glass cooler that a muscly man looked over.

“ _Illu-nii!”_

“Allu!” his voice rose a for few pitches, “why did you call?”

“ _Has Killu-nii told you we were going to spend Christmas at your and Hisoka nii-san’s home?”_

“Yes he did, love,” _no, not directly_ but they have been coming for the past four years, it was more like tradition now, “do you want anything? Does Nanika want anything? Hisoka and I are in the supermarket right now.”

_“Nanika says to buy lots of sweets!”_

Illumi chuckled, pushing the trolley forward, “only if you and Nanika promise to bring a toothbrush unlike last time.”

_“Illu-nii!”_ Alluka giggled in the other end of the line, _“we promise!”_

_“Alluka, who are you talking to?”_ Killu, from somewhere in the background.

_“Illu-nii! Wanna talk to him, Killu-nii?”_

_“Oh yeah, I have something to tell him. Are you done speaking?”_

_“Wait, wait-”_ a familiar sound reached Illumi’s ear, _“love you, Illu,”_ and there was Nanika.

Illumi hummed, pleased, “I love you too, Nanika. Tell Allu, okay?”

_“Yes._ ”

_“Illu!! Is Milluki really gonna come over too? Kalluto just texted me,”_ many people did not get along with Milluki, too many in this damn family.

“I am still not sure, Kil- oh, do you need anything, Hisoka and I are grocery shopping.”

_“You know what I want, Illu.”_

“Aside from your... chocorobo-kuns, of course. Hisoka went overboard, honestly, there’s a mountain of it in the trolley.”

_“Didn’t expect anything less from my favorite clown, um-”_ at that point he distanced his ear from the phone, and right on cue Killua yelled for Gon, _“uh huh, okay. He said the ham Hisoka cooked two Christmases ago would be nice.”_

How convenient, Hisoka came back with three bags. One carried a hefty chunk of ham, which was more than enough to make him smile, “why?”

“Gon wanted ham.”

“Oh good, then tell him his better pseudo dad got it.”

“I am not telling him that,”

_“I heard it anyways! Thanks, Hisoka!”_

_“Gon! Illu’s not on loud speaker, don’t destroy my his eardrums!”_

“Too late, Kil. Gon says thank you,” Hisoka _teehee’s_ as he took charge of the trolley. Illumi lets him; they walk side by side to the counter, the two children bickering in Illumi’s ear while the other listened to his husband’s cheerful humming.

They reach a queue of two, but their trolleys were not nearly as filled the one Hisoka wheeled into place.

By their turn his brother was still arguing in his ear, and Hisoka has settled on playing a game on his phone. “Next,” the soft spoken cashier called, “oh, the Zoldycks. Pleasant to see _you_ in jolly spirit.”

“Wait, Kil-” Illumi pressed a hand to the speaker, “Jenella- it’s _Morows_.”

Hisoka’s jaw dropped the opposite way his heart leapt up his throat, “ _love_ ,” he said, his voice soft. Illumi hung up his phone and gave his husband a shy smile, “love.”

“I’d _love_ it if you could get your purchases closer so we can get this over with, there are literally people waiting behind you.”

“You,” Hisoka pointed at the woman behind the counter with an accusing finger, “are so lucky you’re on my good side. Or else-”

“ _Yeah, yeah_ , you’ll kill me. That’s no threat, boo, that’s a fucking reward. Now pile in your groceries before I send you to the other queue.”

They made a quick stop at the firm that managed their marriage contract to fix one word, one name, and threatened the person in charge when he proved himself persistent.

Hisoka and Illumi Morow went home that day with enough food to feed a small army, a promise of a complete family on Christmas day and- “love, we forgot to buy milk.”

“ _And cheese!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> i admit this was more a word vomit and panicked writing than anythign else, and that the adrenaline (and coffee) that made my fingers type this has long faded now. but i hope you enjoyed regardless! kudos and comments will be appreciated!
> 
> scream at me, or with me;  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/jeanneMULTISTAN)  
> [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/xiu21chen99)


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